I recently ended my first relationship that lasted less than a year. I didn’t mean for it to happen that night, but I know it was the right thing to do. I’m way too young to settle, and I’m way too young to waste time with someone who doesn’t think I’m the greatest person on the planet. Why do I need to stress over whether you’ll text back? Why do I need to worry about whether we’ll have plans? Why do I always need to come to your apartment? Why am I trying so hard when my feelings aren’t reciprocated? I know you’ll miss me, and I’m not saying that to be conceited. I hope that you find the right person, I really do. I know it isn’t me, not even if you were more emotionally open.
I know by the way you made me feel less intelligent because I read Thought Catalog in the mornings instead of The Economist. The way you’d correct my grammar when we both knew I knew the correct usage. The way you’d never look me in the eye while we were talking. When we’d spend Sunday mornings together and I’d feel like you were rushing me out. How I would always need to plan our dates because you don’t figure out what you’re doing until ten minutes prior. Maybe you were waiting for better plans? When I’d ask you about your day and you wouldn’t ask me about mine. When you’d get moody and I’d have to comfort you. How you got to be little spoon more than I did. When you’d get jealous if I talked about my past relationships but you could talk freely about yours. When you’d refuse to be serious even though we were having a serious conversation. When you would text in bed. When you ignore my texts and I know you’re on Reddit and Facebook. The only time you were consistent is when we were sexting. How you would compare me to your exes in terms of depression/anxiety. How you would forget to ask me about my interviews. How you never wanted to do anything on the weekends. How you would jokingly call me racist even though we both know that’s not true. How your job made you grumpy and you would take it out on me. How you acted like you devoted so much time to me when I really asked for very little. How you’re gonna miss me now that I’m gone.
You won’t come back…there’s no point, and you’re way too proud to do that anyway. It’s better for both of us if you don’t. I know you’re hurting, or maybe you’re not. Maybe you’ll be just fine. I guess this changes things, though. Now you can move to San Francisco. You can live with girls. You can be 5th wheel with your friends and their soon-to-be fiancées. You can join your roommate in his Tinder escapades. It’s funny how something that seems so important can become so insignificant so quickly. I’m glad I realized this early. I wonder if you’ll ever know what it feels like to love someone. I wonder if I’ll ever find that again. I know I’m better off even though I’m hurting. I can’t date again for a while, I just need some time to focus on friendships and healing and moving forward. I need to find a job. I need to get my anxiety in check. I need to build my self confidence. I need to stop thinking about you all the time, which I’ve done for the past four months. I need to realize that there will be others; I need to know that you’re not the only one for me, and that you never were anyway. I couldn’t be myself around you, you never really knew the true me. At the end of January when we had plans to have dinner with your friends, I wasn’t feeling well and you were totally gonna go without me. You were probably happy because you wouldn’t have to pay for me. I took a ton of Vitamin C and lied and said I felt fine, and then you got moody for no reason while we were there. Your friends apologized for you while you were in the bathroom. I always hid it when I felt sick after that. And you thought we were spending too much time together when we had been together for less than a month. Isn’t that supposed to be the honeymoon?
It wasn’t a good relationship. There were good parts, and there are aspects that I’m going to miss. But I was always on edge, and that shouldn’t be the case. I shouldn’t have to worry that you’re gonna ask me to leave because you want to play video games. You shouldn’t snap at me because I called while you were driving. I shouldn’t rely on you for the emotional support you’re incapable of giving. I shouldn’t be unable to focus on being with my friends because I’m worried about you. I shouldn’t be looking to a breakup as a release from the anxiety you create. I shouldn’t have to wonder whether you still like me. And I shouldn’t have to convince you that you should love me someday. After four months, if you can’t see a future, then it’s time to make you my past.